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*from Netflix’s Baby Reindeer series
Please note: The following article discusses sexual trauma and its effects and may be difficult for some readers to review. Please pause to take a moment to decide if this is the right time and circumstance to read this article. Furthermore, we also discuss aspects of the series “Baby Reindeer” – so if you have not seen it, be aware that there may be spoilers in this article.
In the era of storytelling that challenges societal taboos and shines a light on the dark corners of human behavior, the series “Baby Reindeer” stands out for its raw exploration of Richard Gadd’s experience of sexual trauma. This series acts to highlight important truths about sexual assault and shatter several myths (the details of which can be a whole other article), but today we are focusing on one aspect of sexual abuse that is not often discussed, the subtle and often misunderstood dynamics of grooming. Richard Gadd’s relationships with his abuser is complex and multilayered and nevertheless highlights several points about grooming that merit discussion.
At its core, grooming is a manipulative process through which an offender gradually builds a relationship with the potential victim to gain their trust with the ultimate aim of sexually abusing them. The process can be meticulously calculated or could evolve spontaneously from a relationship that exists already. While grooming can manifest in several ways, it may present as a perpetrator providing the victim with special attention and gifts, isolating them from others, and gradually increasing the sexual nature of the relationship. The victim may not have any idea of the intention of the perpetrator and as such, when sexual abuse or assault occurs it can be a complex violation of the victim’s sense of trust and safety.
Myth 1: Strangers Are the Main Perpetrators of Sexual Abuse
One of the most persistent myths is that sexual predators are mostly unknown to the victims. While this can definitely be the case, when grooming occurs it precisely leverages a perpetrator’s relationship with the victim and the abuse/assault occurs within a trusted relationship. Examples of these relationships (but not limited to) are familial ties, teachers, coaches, mentors (as in the case of Richard Gadd in Baby Reindeer) or religious leaders.
Myth 2: Victims Prompt Their Own Victimization
Another popular myth about sexual abuse/assault is that victims somehow invite abuse by their actions or appearance. Grooming is one way this shows how strategic and deliberate tactics used by abusers can be, in which victims can be manipulated into situations where they can be exploited without immediate or obvious resistance.
Myth 1: Strangers Are the Main Perpetrators of Sexual Abuse
One of the most persistent myths is that sexual predators are mostly unknown to the victims. Grooming shatters this myth as it highlights that abuse often arises from within trusted relationships—whether familial ties, teachers, coaches, or religious leaders.
Myth 2: Victims Prompt Their Own Victimization
Grooming also discredits the misconception that victims somehow invite abuse by their actions or appearance. It shows the strategic and deliberate tactics used by abusers to manipulate their victims into situations where they can be exploited without immediate or obvious resistance.
Myth 3: Grooming Only Occurs in Adult/Child Relationships
While grooming can be a significant part of how child abuse is perpetrated, it is not exclusive to adult/child relationships. Grooming can occur in the context of any relationships with power (e.g., bosses, authority figures, religious figures, mentors, teachers) or lateral relationships without power differentials (e.g., friendships, coworkers). The key aspect of grooming is the perpetrator abuses or assaults the victims once closeness and/or trust is established. This has an understandably devastating impact on the victims as it is an act of betrayal and can affect their sense of trust and safety in relationships as well as questioning themselves.
Identifying grooming behaviors can be challenging as they often masquerade as typically benign interactions. Here are some signs that might suggest grooming is taking place:
Targeting the Victim: The perpetrator often chooses a victim, sometimes those who are more vulnerable, such as those isolated from their peers, those in vulnerable situations (e.g., financial, career in the case of Baby Reindeer) or children with less parental supervision.
Gaining Trust and Information: The abuser may offer gifts, engage in special activities to develop a bond, offer favours or focused attention. While they become close to the victim, they may learn to know more about their vulnerabilities and exploit them. In Baby Reindeer, Richard Gadd’s character Donny was a struggling comedian and attracted the attention of an established professional in his field. The mentor showered attention, advice and presence on Donny, only to cut Donnyoff completely, leaving him with a sense of hopelessness and despair, but then elation when the mentor reintroduces himself back into Donny’s life.
Filling a Need: They might present themselves as a necessary figure in the person’s life, offering support during difficulties. In Baby Reindeer, Donny did not have many opportunities present to advance in his career as a comedian. Donny’s abuser Darrien who was an acclaimed TV writer who moved to fill Donny’s need for support, feedback and guidance.
Isolating the Victim: Gradually, the perpetrator isolates the victim from their friends and family, creating dependence. In relationships of power, this may look like making increased demands on the victims time and resources. In Baby Reindeer, Darrien monopolizes Donny’s time causing distance between Donny and his girlfriend at the time, Keely. In time this becomes emotional distance, when Donny begins to experience turmoil from his sexual assault but appears unable to share this with Keely.
Sexualizing the Relationship: This could be through jokes, invasive questions or introducing sexual material into conversations or activities. The victim may initially feel uncomfortable or surprised when this occurs, but may not say or do anything to avoid offending or perpetrator of fear of making it a “big deal.”
Listen to Your Feelings: Do not invalidate feelings of discomfort or concern you begin to feel in any relationship. A hallmark of a healthy, supportive relationship is the capacity to talk openly about your feelings, even when they concern the actions of the other person.
Get a Sounding Board: Discuss your feelings or concerns with someone you trust. If you cannot find someone to trust in your life that you feel comfortable confiding in, find the counsel of a professional who is experienced in helping trauma survivors (see below). If the person you are concerned about is someone in a position of authority, consider approaching a higher authority or a different trusted person if possible.
Know Your Rights: Rights do not just involve what is fair under law, but it also involves our emotional rights in relationships. If you find that you are asking yourself if you are being “too sensitive” or “over reacting”, it might be a good idea to review an assertiveness “bill or rights” or boundary
Seek Professional Advice: People work with sexual assault survivors in many realms (e.g., therapy, legal, case management) and can offer valuable information if you are unsure if you are in a grooming situation. Also, do not hesitate to seek advice from child protection agencies or the police if you suspect grooming is occurring to a child.
It is important to underscore that being in a grooming or sexually abusive relationship is not your fault. Sexual abuse/assault is the wrongdoing of someone against you and they are the ones who should feel guilt or remorse for their wrong doing. Our suggestions to help recognize grooming or acts when you notice grooming does in no way mean that someone who does not “act” is responsible for the trauma that happens to them. As we have noted in this article, grooming is very insidious and preys on someone’s precise vulnerabilities. Everyone’s story is different and multifaceted. As Baby Reindeer shows us, the path to recovery can be complex and it can be very challenging to do something let alone talk about what is happening to you.
“Baby Reindeer” does more than tell a story; it serves as a crucial educational tool that brings to light the complexities of grooming and the toll it takes on individuals. The greatest lesson imparted by this series, is the importance of compassion and thoughtfulness for survivors of sexual assault. By viewing this series, hopefully viewers will be encouraged to cultivate a deeper awareness of how sexual trauma can manifest and the damage it inflicts on survivors, so that they may approach such sensitive topics with empathy, understanding, and a readiness to support those who may find themselves in the throes of such a distressing situation.
As “Baby Reindeer” vividly illustrates, grooming can be a complex, confusing, and deeply isolating experience. It’s a call to action for all of us to be more vigilant, informed, and compassionate towards the plights of those around us. It is our hope that series and other works like “Baby Reindeer” can be a starting point for crucial conversations about sexual assault/abuse, such as grooming, its impact, and how society can work together to help survivors.
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Educating about sexual abuse and assault is fundamental to what we are passionate about at the Momenta Clinic, because it not only fosters a deeper understanding and empathy towards survivors but also starts important dialogues that can aid prevention and decrease stigma. We find tremendous value in highlighting the psychological ramifications of such trauma and tailor our therapeutic approaches to facilitate healing, empowerment, and resilience in survivors so that they also know that they are not at fault nor are they alone. Furthermore, through education, we hope to contribute to prevention efforts by raising awareness and teaching clients about consent, boundaries, and healthy relationships.
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